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Dearest Flare Up......You are an A#@HOLE!

7/12/2012

1 Comment

 
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My first significant flare up since diagnosis and I have now reached the stage of being pissed, which hovers right over depression. If I could punch my flare in the face I would, but I would only be punching myself. This flare up is like a house guest that has over stayed his welcome. I am glad you stopped by to remind me that I do have a chronic illness and I must take good care of myself, but I get the point and it is time to leave. I will celan up the mess you are sure to leave behind, just go.

Here are just a few examples why I am now at the pissed stage.

1. I had a date during the week right around when my flare up was starting. I didnt want to cancel becuase I was pretty excited and my body was still doing ok, my mind however was on a whole other planet. You know what I am talking about, it is like being high, but not the funny laugh at your cat kind of high only a teenager knows, but the holy crap I am paranoid, are those the cops? So, I didnt cancel my date, and I am sure I made a fool of myself. The brain fog is the worst! I would keep this pain any day if my mind would just be clear.

2. "You dont look sick". I hear this at least 5 times a day. God Damn it! I know I dont look sick, but my joints are on fire, I cant sleep and am pretty sure that if you ask me to spell anything with more than 3 letters in it, I will fail.

3. I screwed up at work all day today. I was making orderst that were not even close to the order the customer gave me, I could not lift more than 2 plates at a time, dropped 1 out of 3 things I picked up,  mumbled and looked at customers like they were from another planet when they asked me  a question that my RA fogged brain could not process.

4. Hello, is my Doc around? I dont know what to do. I called my Doctor, but while I wait what th heck do I do? I am working to the best of my ability, getting small stuff done, trying to resemble my normal self as much as possible, but what else can I be doing? Do I just wait? Should I pray? Drink some weird potion? Do a tribal dance? Sleep?  Guess I will just keep taking steriods until I here from my Doc or the roid rage begins, I wonder which will happen first? ;)

So, I have decided I am going to rest, because I really need it and while I am not sleeping I am going to develop a serious plan of attack against this flare up. I will snort steriods if that is what I have to do to get rid of this thing. Cross your fingers my Doc gets back to me stat so I can get this taken care of.


****excuse misspells or typo's, I am much to tired to copy paste and spell check*****

1 Comment
Kelly
11/10/2012 10:45:49 pm

Hi. I know this was posted a few months ago. I'm sorry to hear about your difficult time. I hope as you're reading this, your flare up has taken a hike off of a huge cliff.

I recently found your page and have only just begun reading the blog portion. (By the way, I love it)

Quick hx: dx'd ~1 month ago after only 6 months of freaky joint issues. Considered myself lucky to be dx'd so quickly. But the disease came on like a freight train and I was debilitated within weeks before starting tx. My current and first and only ever tx so far is prednisone, mtx, and enbrel. I'm slowly getting betterer.

Like you, I was dx'd on my birthday. My 37th birthday. Well, not actually "on" my birthday.....that day I sat in my Ortho's office with multiple new onset swelling and cried as he told me I needed to get myself to a rheumatologist STAT. And we all know there's no such thing as STAT with a rheumatologist. I had a 2 month wait and all he could do for me was give me roids, muscle relaxers, and pain killers. No woman on the planet should ever have to shed a single tear on her birthday. I was officially dx'd on National Arthritis Day ironically.

Did I mention I had just completed my RN degree and was about to sit for the NCLEX the very next day after my birthday!!!??? Yes, I managed to make it through, what I had thought at the time, the toughest part of my life... Nursing School. My symptoms started in the last semester and nothing, I mean nothing, was going to keep me from graduating! I did graduate and I did pass the NCLEX with two swollen knees, a wrist I couldn't bend, a thumb the size of a cucumber, and serious brain fog. I was already mentally prepared to fail, as I was too focused on my symptoms to even try to study for that exam. God willing, I passed.

Sorry I rambled off for a little bit. RA tends to make me do that or is it the meds? One will never know. I wanted to comment on your anger. I believe, and correct me if I'm wrong, this is the angriest you've been so far? Or the angriest you've blogged about. I know it's a dark place and writing about it to the world can be scary.

I wanted to share with you that I jumped from denial to anger in less than 60 seconds when all this came about. And I've been stuck between the two for weeks. Kubler-Ross can kiss my ass. Each time I get to the point where I feel I've accepted my RA, something happens that shoots me right back to that angry stage. Fierce, downright ugly anger. Maybe it's my fuel to fight this, maybe it's working against me with the RA. All I know, is I'm angry and every day, I struggle to make sure that my anger isn't taken out on the ones I care about or the innocent people (and things) I encounter.

I admire your moxy and your positive demeanor in all of this. Being angry takes too much energy that I sure as hell don't have. It's exhausting. You're doing a wonderful thing sharing your thoughts and feelings with the world.

Take care,
Kelly

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